Hide Your Kids

[TW: rape, childhood sexual abuse, self harm, eating disorder, mental illness]

This may be hard to listen to be people need to hear it. I cried but it was the good kind of cry. It could be terribly triggering though.

When I was ten, shit, I believed I could fly 
I would just flap my fucking arms and try to meet with the sky 
And in my mind I’d envision that I was speaking with god 
And then I’d chop his fucking fist off and beat him with mine 
But this is just a fucking portion of the war with my mind 
So I’mma take you fuckers back and through the vortex of time 
When I was seven envision me at the bottom of stairs 
And I solemnly swear that this is the truth, no fallacy here 
See I was young, man, I was just a toddler, a kid 
And he wasn’t the first to successfully try but he did 
He took me to the basement and after the lights had been cut 
He whipped it out and sodomized and forced his cock through my gut 

See it was weird because I felt like I was losing my mind 
And then it happened like it happened millions of times 
And I would swear that I would tell but they would think that I was lyin’ 
And now the power that he held was like a beacon of mine 
So now I got used to it, I put up with the shit 
And now my hate was so volcanically eruptive and shit 
But this is nothing cause I guess he told his friend what he do 
And they hate it up, shit I was like a buffet for two 

And then it happened in a home where every fucking one knew 
And they ain’t do shit but fucking blame it on youth 
I’m sorry mom but I really used to blame it on you, but even you, by then wouldn’t know what to do 

And now it happened so often that he was getting particular 
And I’m more scared every time — my speed and ventricular 
One night he came home and I was asleep in my bed 
He climbed on top of me and forced himself between my legs 
He told me: “Hey —, I see you like them popsicle sticks so put your mouth on my deck and fucking swallow the spit” 
And I was confused but I was scared so I did what he said 
I had no the effect it would have on my head 
My heart was pumping it was thumping with like tons of my fear 
Imagine being seven and seeing cum in your underwear 
I know it’s nasty but sometimes I’d even bleed from my butt 
Disgusting right? Now let that feeling ring through your guts 

I thought of offing myself, I thought of killing these niggas 
Wanted to take a fucking brick and push they teeth through they liver 
Wanted to smash the fucking world and burn its leftover parts 
Wanted to rip it out and just fucking step on my heart 

Then I grew up and I wasn’t within the reach of these men 
But that didn’t keep me out the motherfucking reach of my sin 
And psychologically I was just as fucked as they come 
I was confused, I had to prove I wasn’t fucked from the jump 
I was afraid of myself, I had no love for myself 
I tried to kill, I tried to hide, I tried to run from myself 
There was a point in my life where I didn’t like who I was 
So I’d create the other people I would try to become 
Sexuality came into play and with as scared as I was 
I was extremely scared of men so I started liking girls 
I started starving myself, fucked up my bodily health 
I didn’t wanna be attracted to nobody else 
I didn’t want the appeal, wanted to stunt my own growth 
But there’s a fucking reason behind every scar that I show 
I never got to be a kid so that’s as far as I grow 
My mental state is out of date, and that’s as far as I know 

My biggest problem was fear, and what being fearful could do 
It made me run, it made me hide it made me scared of the truth 
I’m not deranged anymore, I’m not the same anymore 
I mean I’m sane but I’m insane but not the same as before 
I had to deal with my shit, I had to look at my truth 
To understand that to grow you’ve got to look at your root 
I had to cut off the dead, I had to make myself proud 
And now I’m just standing living breathing proof look at me now 
I made it through everything, I made you look like a clown 
I’m fucking great can’t fucking hate you nigga look at me now 

Now I’m just saying this to tell you there’s a way from the ground 

Just be strong and just move on and just accept what I can 
Because it makes your story better when you read at the end 

Yeah, there’s a story behind every single scar that I show 
I made it out, this a me nobody’s gotten before 
I had to open my wounds, I had to bleed til I stopped it 
Thanks for joining me here as I cleaned out my closet 
I said I opened my wounds, I had to bleed til I stopped it 
Thanks for joining me here as I cleaned out my closet